Yep. I'm leaving. On a jet plane. When will I be back again? Don't know.
Why, you ask?
Because, SHE has driven me to the very edge. Not just a foot from the edge. The edge itself. Bits of earth are crumbling beneath my feet. I don't know how I manage not to fall. It must be the wine and the knowledge that some day, I will get Her back.
When I was a wee girl, I had to change the television channels by turning the big knob on the tv itself. My brother and I would have great wrestling matches, both of us holding the dial....me trying to turn it to Mr. Dress Up, him trying to turn it to Welcome back Kotter (Ugh). Then came the great invention of the channel changer....a weighty brown box that looked like a loaf of bread, attached to the tv with a garden hose sized cord. You had to push the buttons hard to get the channels to change. There were buttons. And you pushed them.
This was my life and I understood it.
Last week SHE came home with the iMac Book computer. She said that my old computer was too old. And too slow. She said that we were switching from Windows to Apple. After I realized that we weren't having pie, I looked at it and hated it immediately. Weird, I tell you, weird. Trooper that I am, I soldiered on and learned to use it somewhat efficiently.....like a student nurse taking blood for the first time - a lot of bruising and trembling but the end result, satisfactory. Blood in vial.
Now, I do know how to use a mouse and even managed to use the slidey "Trackpad" on the computer.
Good. For. Me.
The other day, SHE told me that this new iMac Book had special features and that you did not need the mouse or track pad - you could run your finger along the table, the wall, even your arm and it would work the computer. That is how futuristic the new iMac-Book-Pad is. Wow, I thought....this is fancy stuff. I put on a better outfit and gave it a try while SHE watched from behind me. I was drawing all over the table and yes, even on my arm and then the chair too....and the curser was moving across the screen. WORKING! I was going on and on about this new, amazing technology as I opened an email by tapping my nose...it worked!
So enthralled by the computery magic unfolding before my eyes, I hadn't noticed the laughter at first, but after 10 minutes I turned around to find Her buckled over with the laughter, holding a small silvery square. Why are you laughing? What is funny? What is that? I pointed to the silver square.
HER: IT IS A REMOTE TRACK PAD......BAAHAHA! I HAVE BEEN MOVING THE CURSER FROM BEHIND YOUR BACK! BAAAAHAHAHAHA!
You can't open a website by tapping you nose! BAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
And so, my friends, I end it here. I am writing this on the evil iMac-Book-Pad machine that has caused me so much greif. I still hate it and my bags ARE packed. If the phone rings and She tells me I can answer it by blinking my eyes, one more time, I am leaving and I shall take my old, slow computer and
its mouse with the tail, with me.
Image: The stupid magic wireless machines that can't possibly do any good in this world.