Wednesday, April 17, 2013

My "Yoga" pants are bored.........

We have an upcoming gallery show coming up. Busy as a potato chip salesman at a dip convention. To make matters better, we are getting ready for a trip. I will be flying. Flying gear must be obtained. After scaring the living daylights out of me for the past twenty years about the dangers of flight, this time She has me convinced that our veins simply can't take the 9 hour journey and we will pass out from the Deep Vein Thrombosis. This is called DVT. She made me watch a Marketplace-Doczone-The Nature of Things-Dragon's Den episode all about it.

We are shopping. In a mall. Something I do but once a year.

I am at the counter and ask the lovely lady my question:

Me: "HELLO. I am looking for the socks that help with diverticulitis."

Lovely Lady: "Pardon? Hmmmmmmm.....I don't think we have socks for diverticulitis."

I am frowning because I KNOW that David Suzuki Hanomansing was talking about the diverticulitis socks that keep your legs all tucked in.Tight.

SHE has overheard my question and has managed to move 20 feet in 2 seconds. Her lips have disappeared. She whispers (hisses) in my ear.... " is not diverticulitis! You meant to say Deep Vein Thrombosis...DVT!"

Me: "DVT.....isn't that the soy gravel we made hamburgers with the day we tried to be vegetarians?"
Her: "NO, that is TVP. Textured Vegetable Protein!"
Me: "Well, what is diverticulitis?"
Her: "It has to do with the bum!"
Me: "And you can get SOCKS for that?"
She is Pam-handling me towards the door and out of the store....clearly, I am not getting any socks for ANYTHING today.

Next store........
I am at the cash after looking at 765 pairs of black stretchy relax-itation pants. I found a pair that I accept.
Lovely Lady at Counter: "Have you been doing yoga long?"
I am horrified. My lips disappear. "Yoga" pants.
Me: "Well, I don't actually do the yoga, but I would still like to get the pants for other things. Is that okay? Not to say I will NEVER take up the yoga....I am simply not currently participating. I do know "Down Dog!" and "Hooray for the Sun!"
Her: "Oh my God, you don't have to ask if you can buy the pants.....there isn't a questionnaire. Just get them!"
Me: "Why do they call them YOGA pants then? I am not "sneaking" around in my sneakers. I am not "loafing" around in my loafers."
Her: "Are you ready to go home?"
Me: "Yes, but I didn't get the socks that will keep me from passing out."
Her: "Right now, I am willing to risk it."

Image: "Tablelands" by Cara & Pam 48" x 36" Hand-Carved/Hand-Painted

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