Oh My Mummer, What a Bummer!

Images: The stages of a mummer carving from beginning to END.

Hand-Carved/Hand-Painted by Cara & Pam

We have been working this week on the next mummer figurine for Mummer's The Word.....SHE has been whittling away Her days while I await the finished carving.........
HER: Can I take a photo of you from behind?
ME: PARDON?
HER: Could you sort of bend at the knee and lean forward a bit.....I need the pose for the mummer carving.
ME: You mean the mummer that is going to be rotund, jolly, bottom-heavy, heavy-set and STOCKY?
She looks nervous....the gerbil that lives in her head has just boarded his wheel....around and around he goes. That wheel is turning. Fast.
She starts to say seventeen different things at once and clearly cannot come up with a response that will be
a) suitable
and/or
b) pleasing to my delicate ears
Moreover, (I am over 40 now, so I can say things like moreover and behoove) MOREOVER, I have us on a New Year's Resolution schedule of healthy breakfasts and lunches and yummier dinners. Tonight I was going to make Her a roast of beef with mushrooms and asparagoosies. SHE knows that if She doesn't play Her cards right, She could possibly end up choking down a bowl of Red River with extra flax seeds to boot. And maybe even a boot.
HER: Oh my god, there is no way to fix this except to say that you NEED your heavy bottom because you fall down so much!
ME: WHAT?
HER: Oh my GOD! I am so hungry my mouth is just working on its own here. PLEASE let's cook the roast and be friends. If your bottom was smaller, you'd have to get new clothes and just think how much you hate shopping!
I look at Her with amusement and turn around and pose for Her photo.
She sighs and takes Her pictures and goes into the kitchen with an air of relief.
HER: Would you like a diet Root Beer?
ME: I don't have any more.
HER: You DO! I hid one away for ...ah...um...times like this?
She passes me a frosty glass.
HER: BOTTOMS UP!
I didn't know She could run that fast.